when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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