I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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