Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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