I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
