I met the friendliest cop last night
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
