so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
