oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
