Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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