no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
