and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
