I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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