I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
