I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Randomize
