I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I will pee on everything he values.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
