Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
