Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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