i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
