I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Randomize
