last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Text me some of your sweat
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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