That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
