The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
