question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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