I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
