The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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