I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
