If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
