dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
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