I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
