matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
