My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
