allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
