last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize