did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
