i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
