Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
