we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
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She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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