I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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