we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
