omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
