A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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