I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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