:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
