guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
