guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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