I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
