You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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