at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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