Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
