I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Randomize
