with your own penis?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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