My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
