He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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