Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
