@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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