I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
