The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
